My heart, where have you been? In the darkest room in the sharpest corner, beaten and bruised you continue forward. Nothing has been able to stop your pulsing consonance, a chord of various emotions fueled by your mind. These things have claimed others, but it will not claim you. Can you remember how perilous it was not so long ago, how far have you come! He has been leading you this whole time out of the dark forest. Can you not see? There is a journey I fear that lays yet ahead, I have life still to spend and a will to yield to His. A beam of light now shines into my heart, I am getting closer now. I hear a brook running peaceful near me not far. I will be led to it and regain my strength. I will heal. A beam of light now shines into my heart.
He stays in the land a ways from the buildings and smells. One foot presses into the earth while the other escapes its burden for a moment. The strange man claws tightly around the old trunk of the angry tree towering high above him. Slowly he peers around the side of the ancient oak into the city of people. His clothes are burned and tattered, willfully obliging as his covering from nakedness as it looked like only they chose to stay on by worn threads. Without shoes, the dust clung thickly to to the wanderers bare feet. They were gentle, as was he. Timid and slow to disturb the world he was, full of love and fear.
His face filthy, he beheld the ones for whom he longed. Gazing he knew them all although they did not know him. Not as he was now. The cars rushed passed the curbs, and the lights flickered, and the people walked this way and that way to some other points seemingly not related anyone to another. A dog loose and running amok ate from a garbage can toppled onto its side. The birds circled and hovered overhead and the workers worked their labors. On and on the motion did not cease, the ones he held in his eyes beheld nothing but the bodies and life they each spent on their own desires.
Strange dark hair he brushed from his strange face. Sitting quietly behind his wooden guardian he looked back in time. In youth the man knew the ones from the city, and they took out his organs and broke all of his bones, his head they crushed and his heart they ate. Blood spilled to the tile floor in the hallways and rooms, and everyplace outside. They tore at his skin and stopped his throat. The city ones in their homes and with their beds and food; they once reached in and put the poison inside of him.
Oh how he loved them all. His blue eyes let fell drops of dark cold blood, bled from wounds inside of him from long ago. Oh how he loved them all.
The man had been saved from the sulfur, and from the burning. He had been rescued from the ocean of death by a Champion. Looking down his hand began to shake and grasp for something unknown. What has happened? What has gone wrong? Will this damage heal or will he remain in despair. And why? He covered his countenance and wept without restraint.
One day he went to the building where his brothers and sisters go, he went inside and sat down. He stood up and sung the hymns and bowed his head, he sat down and raised his eyes. When no one was looking he drank into himself the room with all his family within. Biting hard now his teeth ground as he fought back the tears. An institution was the machine, and all were processed beautifully as they remembered all the steps and missed no beat. It hurt so much. He stole another picture of them. It burned in his brain. The minutes were passing too quickly. Soon it would be over and he would have to leave.
The final steps were completed and all rose to their feet and proceeded to the lobby where there were drinks and chairs, and all talked to the others and their faces bore smiles and pleasure. The man slowly walked over to the coffee holder and poured out some comfort so that his hands would not have nothing to entertain as his hopes for the comfort of another was at its elevation. He sat in the plastic chair against the wall. His two eyes begged them, they begged them to come. They wanted it so bad. But they did not come, no not one. The man went through the great doors and fell into his car and drove away. Oh how he loved them all.
The line of flesh trails for as far as the eye can see, winding into the obscure distance. They are on the road invested or ignorant in the direction they are traveling, however it matters not because its destination is highly undesirable. I am dropping below now on my path where there is broken glass and fire, it is lower that the broad path and twists and turns. I can see their eyes glassy and focused into the nothing that awaits. My own eyes weep for their destruction which lays over the horizon. My hands are stretched out towards the people. They hate You. They suppress You. Their thoughts care nothing for You. But still You call them.
The hot wind engulfs my face as I ponder. Why can they not see? Their windows let images of stock portfolios, elevated rank, and Chromebooks infiltrate. What are their ends? Entropy; they will disallign and pull apart, tear down and dissolve with no profit at all. Bread is for the stomach one more day. Cash is for the hand for one more night. Where does it lead. Its path is broad and easy but the biters nip at one another and reach in between the ribs in hopes of taking someones heart for themselves. Wolves that lick their dirty lying lips as the meat gets stuck in the teeth. This was my end too once.
I was destined for a great travesty in the name of justice and rightness. Who could see what was around the corner, certainly not me as pleasure and power were my opiums. I bowed down to the accuser and wanted pain to prove I was still alive as I would continually wake every morning again and again to my disappointment. I committed double high treason against my Maker. I think about it, and I don’t know how I got here. No, I can not understand how I escaped. No, I can not understand how I escaped… No, I can not understand how the dreams of hellish ends suddenly became just a dream and not a destination. I was delivered by hand. Now I am in the right place, but I have to pull the pieces of glass out and bandage my wounds.
Where are my brothers? Where are my sisters? These words reverberate into their hearts as perfect understanding they have coming from the same. Why don’t they come forward to my aid? Why don’t I come forward to their aid? Wir sind alleine sien, aber warum? My brothers and my sisters. The same tears in blood, the same agony, the same hope, the same ending. But our books are only opening where theirs are closing after we fall Asleep.
I do not have discipline. I do not have strength. I am dying, my breaths are wearing out; they grow increasingly thin. Words are empty shells because their invokers are the dead, so they are dead. What hope do we have left to hold in our hands that suspend lifeless and purposeless at our sides. They reach toward the earth that will cover us in the end and take us away into oblivion. We cry out for You because we can do nothing else. The knowledge is almost complete now concerning the brokenness that beholds the world, in fire and torment we are engulfed by the damning winds of guilt. We wait to die. We wait for the release into the forever. We are waiting for You. You gave to us what could not be wrought by ourselves. We can do nothing of ourselves, we are helpless and wandering. We look into the dark for comfort, but instead we chew our lips and bleed our tongues to hide the pain of aloness. There are too few of us it seems, waiting to be repaired. Most of us are dumb and blind and can not distinguish light from dark. We are but children called into fierce warfare quickly aging and fainting in exhaustion. Please let there be more like me, where has my family gone to? Where are my brothers and sisters? Will they enter into paradise with nothing in their hands to be tried by the fire? I am in allegiance ever as it is day and pay with life the grace that was given me. I pay with blood, I pay with fear, I pay with terror, I pay with misery. Please release me! How much longer? How much more will there be? I can’t take any more. The days are gruesome, they call for the laying down into the grave, but we continue on. I can hear the arms moving slowly ticking without regard to my hell I am living in. I can’t stand the pain, I step outside of myself. I call out to You and you hear me, You see me. Am I being good? Will You love me more? How ignorant I am to look for drugs in Your holy places. The damage stems from my youth, unexplainable disgust and hurting inside. I can’t breathe, here it comes again. In and out I am brought high and low. I hate the dead. I hate the slime that pours out of their mouths. I hate the putrid smell that permeates into the hopeless air. Will I see you again? I wonder as I see them, will I see you again. I claw the nothing for You. I am ever your son. I am ever Your child. You said all of these things would happen, no lie have you said. The rest is had in at the end of the race. But something is amiss. I pray tell me what ails me. You are my designer. What is this killing me. Why am I so sensitive to everything around me. When one speaks I hear screams, when one touches I feel battery. Why do I feel so alone? I have much work to do. I have years and years of work to do. Where do I begin. The spikes pierce annoyingly into my hands and feet, every step I take as painful as the last. The swords are pressed into my body and keep me at alarm. It NEVER stops! I can feel it in my physical body at all times. I have so much to do. I have good plans that are unfolding. I requested them from You and I believe You have granted them. I piece the steps together and press on. I never quite. I never deviate. I ask for more, I will Not return empty handed! I will comply. I will to do Your will. I asked for this, this special task. You know me so well. A quiet life would have killed me fast. Good work you gave me to do. I accepted. My work is to tell them about You and your great love. I will see it through.
I raise my head to send it through the stars. Is it getting through? Desperate, I try to remember all of the words in Your letters. The birds begin to announce another day in torment, can’t they just wait. Time is made, atoms are made, neurons are made; how do you see a spirit? A foreign dimension to which I am wholly apart but wholly unaware, I try to catch the clouds in my hands. Futility and hopelessness. My head is going under the water again, if only I could get this message through, or maybe it has made it already. How would I know. I look for answers but get no reply or sign it seems. I am not the only one though, I remember David saying the same words and weeping. How many rivers will I make until You are stirred? Perhaps this is the message that I am making now, resolution to know the truth, but understanding it I request wisdom. When! How long will You be silent! My chains I have placed upon my limbs keep me from wandering away, but I have attached myself to the sun and now it is burning my body. How long until You reply? I sit lonely in the corner, I lay crushed. My heart is broken, my knees won’t let me up. I could not be pressed lower into the dust. Where are You to give me my lessons? My name is faithful, and I will keep waiting. I count all of the blessings You have given to me. I remember how many times You saved my life. I want to see You now, but I know I must wait. You have never lied to me or wronged me at any time. I sit and wait. I pray another prayer.
I am beside myself safely staring from a balcony above. I can see my body down below moving through time, I look up at me and I am alone. But do not worry because I am here beside you. I will finish your sentences and think like you think because I am beside yourself. Me from below is pressed into the dust, sadness swells and torrents like the great red spot on Jupiter, but don’t worry because I am beside myself. When your breathing becomes shallow and weak, do not worry because I am beside myself. When you lay down in the earth and close your eyes, do not worry because I am beside myself. I will never be hurt again because I am not present, I stand outside looking at the pain. I will never be alone because I am with me, I stand outside always watching our life unfold. How did life get like this? Please Master put me back together again! I hate it here but we must pass through so that we can get home, its too much sometimes, I dislocate my thoughts to some other place. Please Lord make me let you take my place and walk beside myself.
How I wish everything was the same.
When I wake up at the same time every morning I go through the same routine. I prepare myself in the lavatory with the same items in the same way, combing my hair to the same side every time. I wear the same kind of clothing and eat the same kind of food, and drink the same cup of coffee. I turn the same channel on the television to get the same traffic report, and leave for the same job every day doing the same thing.
Then everything will be safe and foreknown, there will be no deviation. I will know what will happen the next day and the next. Instead I work to find that perfect routine so that it can withstand any variables. The DiSK says I’m an “S” type, but I don’t know if humans have cracked the personality code God has created, these types being a product of our environment I believe. What does that mean then, it was unstable for me as a kid? Yes. Now I yearn to put the pieces back together, and make a plan so that they will never fall away. It must ever be the same and unchanging, then we will have peace. You will have peace and I will have peace. Then the fighting will stop, then the problems will end, then we can love each other and not press to destroy. I want harmony with every person I see, I want them to feel comfortable and safe. I want them to come and rest and escape the world for an hour. I will be your ears and will listen to whatever you tell me. I just want you to feel safe. I will be your friend you can trust to do good.
Instead they consume one another. The dead are eating the dead. They want to hurt and take. They want to devour and contend. Stand back from your perception of the world system, all a lie from the greatest liar who was the morning star. Now he is destined for the lake of fire. Will we go with him? We are born and bred to understand the worlds ways. Open your eyes.